(Word vomit time! If pity parties make you gag, skip this)
I'm angry right now. I can feel it coursing through my veins, white and hot. I want to lash out at everyone, but I'm restraining myself and hoping that just writing it out will lessen the sting.
I'm finding offense at things that don't really matter. I'm angry for the years I spent on stupid affirmations, on ridiculous self-help books and audio, on losing weight, on eating "right"... all for what? To try to impress someone? Anyone? For the validation that I received that my body was finally acceptable to the world? So I could just end up stuck where I am now? In a house I feel totally uncomfortable living in, with a job that I can barely get by on its wages with a body I have to figure out how to love in a world that hates it?
Alone. In my room, alone. All alone.
I think loneliness has got to be the most painful emotion. At least for me, it causes the most pain. Real, physical pain in my chest. It's heavy and dark. It stabs me, crushes me. And the anger hides it, even from myself sometimes. But not for long, never for long. I can only keep the tears at bay for so long and when they fall, so do my shields, so do my defenses. And what am I left with? Hurt, deep in my heart.
Why couldn't my mom just love me for me? What was so wrong with me that she couldn't accept me? Why me? Why didn't she treat other siblings how she treated me? All I have ever wanted was a mother who loved me unconditionally. That will probably never happen, she will probably never be the mother I want or need her to be. I have to mother my inner child now, because she is hurting so much. I have to be there for her so she can heal from the years of hurt I suffered as a child and as an adult.
There's so much hurt in my family. There always has been, but in the last year it has really increased. And I feel even more alone in the world. The few people who care have their own people. And I? I have no one.
Alone. In my room, alone. By myself. Everyday, for hours. Wishing someone... anyone... would send me a message telling me I'm not alone. That they care. That they want me around them. That I matter in this world. That I'm not a waste of space. That my existence means something to someone. Anyone. Please. Is anyone there? Or am I just alone, all alone, in the world?
